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LPC 10 Medley 2
(Ring) Advanced Hydro. Yes, I'm trying to make a laser oil compound outdoors, and I'm trying to keep out an opossum. Laser oil? I, I, I'm not familiar with that. I just googled "laser oil" I'm interest...interesting. Now, wha, what do you need on my end? Why don't you try listening up here, a little bit. I'm not familiar with what your laser oil is, frankly you're kind of rude. Wha, what are you looking for, dude? I need to get a fence set up to keep this opossum out of my affairs. A fence? Well I don't set up fences dude. I'm an indoor hydroponics store, dude, I'm a grow shop. Like I sell growing equipment. Ballasts, bulbs, lights... How about I come in there and knock you around a little bit? Am I really getting a phone call from someone asking about laser oil, and then threatening to beat me up? This is a business, you're threatening me. I mean there's two ways of doing things, but I'll basically just call the cops right now. So, if you want to do that, go ahead and come on down. Okay bro, but I have to go, I'm trying to help a customer and I, I, I have a certain reputation. So I, I don't know what laser oil is, and I don't know what your problem is, but don't be disrespecting me. I'm gonna need store credit, I figure. Because, while we're talking here, this opossum has just wiped me out. I don't understand what an opossum is. I, I, I don't have store credit. Well you can just let me take what I neeeed. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna report you for calling and threatening me multiple times. So I'm gonna get off the phone right now and call the police. Bye. ----- (Ring) Third Avenue Signs, Rick Speaking. Hi, I need to get some...magnetic oil. Magnetic oil? We don't have anything like that. Well, I'm shooting lasers, and I need to cordon it off with magnetic oil. Uhhh, I think you might have phoned the wrong number, we're a sign shop. Well, you have magnets, don't you? Yeah, how much do ya need? Well, I've got forty-two-hundred lasers firing right here, fella. Well, I don't know anything about your company, to tell you the truth. So, you know, I've got a little bit of magnetic material here, if you need more, I can order some in, but... How 'bout if I start firing lasers up 'ere? I don't know what you're looking for, ya know? I sell magnetic sheeting, yes, if you'd like some of that I can sell you that, but I don't sell magnetic oil. You know, if you'd explain what you'd like, it'd be a lot easier for me to decide if I have it or not. I wanna drape giant sheets of magnets over my lasers. Well, then you'd probably be better off to phone a magnetic wholesaler. A sailor? I don't have time to... ...WHOLEsaler. I'm not talking about oysters here fella, I'm talking about lasers. You with me? I understand what'cha need, but you know the difference between wholesale and retail? Are you a marine biologist, or what are ya? What is your problem man? Look, I'm firing lasers here, and I don't have time to go down to the dock, or whatever it is you're suggesting, OK? Do you know what a wholesaler is? It's a company that sells to retail shops. I buy magnetic from a magnetic WHOLEsaler, it's got nothing to do with ships or fish or oceans. what part don't ya... Is this some kind of joke phone call, or what? Why don't ya run up here and gimme what I neeeeeed. I don't know whatcha neeeeeeeeeeed. I'm firin' lasers every which way up here. I don't really care. Your sign says magnetics, fella! It says magnetics, yes, it's a sheeting of magnetic. It's got nothing to do with oil. You're runnin' me around here. I think you should call someone else (unintelligible), good bye. -- (Ring) Kelvins Wheel, Chad here. Yeah, I got a twenty-four wheeler here. I need some chrome work done on it. What do you want to get done? I need it polished up, and I need all the wheels inflated. And then deflated, and inflated all over again. (Laughs) When can you bring it to me? I’ve got room for you tomorrow morning at about three-thirty in the AM. Why don’t you head up ‘ere and gimme what I need? Okay? (Laughs) Done! (Laughs) I can do it! What am I looking at here on time and money? (Laughs) Sixty-three-hundred bucks, and about forty-five minutes. I’ll look for ya. (Laughs) I’ll be the guy running down the street with an air compressor, one of those mobile ones. (Laughs) You’re gonna be running the other way when I’m done with you. (Laughter) (unintelligible, perhaps “aw shit, he’s making me run”) --- (Ring) This is Trish's Dishes. Uh, this is Gopher Bone calling. Google Phone? Wow, I can't understand you. I'm Gopher Bone. You are what? I can't understand you. Are you deaf? I'm not deaf. I don't really know what, how to spell it. Wh, what the words are coming out of your mouth, I don't know what you're saying, right. Why don't you spell it to me? What is it anyway? Why don't you switch ears? Why don't you speak clearer? Are both your ears as bad as this one? 'Cause... You only got one mouth, and you're not talking really clearly. I'm Gopher Bone. See, I don't understand you. What are you, dumb? I'm not as dumb as you. I'm looking for The Big Beaver. We don't have no Big Beaver. I don't know what you're talking about. --- (Ring) May Hut (?) Yeah, this is, uh, Hot Frog. And I’m looking for, uh, The Big Beaver up ‘ere. The Hot Frog looking for The Big Beaver? (Laughs) Are ya? Gopher Bone sent me up ‘ere. (Laughs) Gopher Bone, huh? Sounds like a good time. I need to get some snares set up. You need to get some snares, se, se, ugh, set up? And I’m fixin’ to shut you up. Sweet. Sounds like a good plan. -- (Ring) Barking Bitches. (Dog barks in background) Do you have The Big Beaver? I’d like to get… The Big Beaver? I’d like to get a bottle of it. We don’t have The Beaver. (Note: Audio Juggling starts here) (New voice, liquor store employee?) The Big Beaver? Ahh, let me see if it’s in my system. (Barking Bitches voice) (Dog barks) If it’s not in my system, we don’t have it. (Ring) (Liquor Store) I don’t have anything in my system yet. (ring) (LPC) I’m not suggesting you’ve drank it. (Liquor Store) No, it’s not in my system. As far as I know, I don’t know where to order it from. (Chuck) This is Chuck, may I help you? (Liquor store) Have you seen it in Dallas before? (Chuck) Hello? (Liquor store) Have you seen it in Dallas before? (Chuck) What is it you’re looking for? (Liquor store) Oh, somebody was asking me if, uhhh, we had any Big Beaver liqueur or aperitif. (Chuck) Big Beaver? (Liquor store) Yeah. (Chuck) I have never seen it. (Liquor store) I hadn’t seen it, and it’s not in my system. (New voice) I mean, I got a chick that has a big beaver down the street. (Laughs) But, I haven’t heard of that one. A lot of the stuff comes out first in New York, we have to find out what it is. Wha, what’s the flavor of it. (New male voice) Hello? (Susan’s Fine Wine) Hello? (Male voice) Uh, hello? (Susan’s Fine Wine) Hi. (Male voice) I don’t know how...I don’t know how I got connected to you. (Susan’s Fine Wine) I’m sorry, what’s going on here? We’ve got multiple phone calls going on at the same time. (LPC) Do you have The Big Beaver? (Susan’s Fine Wine) I have never heard of it. (LPC) Well, uh, it’s pretty new. Pretty dang new. (ring). You know, I just saw an infomercial on it. (Susan’s Fine Wine) Are you on a cell phone? I think you need to hang up because there’s another phone ringing. (Liquor Barn employee) Yeah? Liquor Barn? (Susan’s Fine Wine) You’re calling two liquor stores at the same time. You know what, sir, that’s looking for The Big Beaver, you’re speaking to Susan’s Fine Wine and also to The Liquor Barn. So you need to hang up, and just make one single phone call. (LPC) Work with me. (Susan’s Fine Wine) I’m trying to. (New male voice) Hello? (Susan’s Fine Wine) Hello? (sigh) Okay, this guy’s called to a couple different liquor stores and he needs to hang up, so we can all get disconnected. (Male voice) Interesting, okay, well I will hang up then. (Susan’s Fine Wine) Uh, I’ve tried hanging up, but he still has the line open. (Male voice) Good lord. (sigh) Great. Okay. (Susan’s Fine Wine) Okay? -- (End of track)